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We’ve all done this. We budge our sorry butts out of bed at the crack of dawn to go to work, only to gawk our pet dog or cat peacefully snoozing away. “Who’s the higher life manufacture? ” we instruct to ourselves. I felt the same procedure as I was watching “The Vampire’s Seduction.” While my partners and I exercise hours arguing over the nuances of where to keep a comma in our latest screenplay, I gaze this shamelessly ad-libbed and utterly mindless lesbian teaser and wonder objective who are the more gleaming filmmakers. Tina Krause is Dracula’s Daughter, a beautiful vampiress who spends her evenings cavorting topless in a smoke machine-enhanced forest. In what has to be the thinnest of set devices ever, she coerces Wally Van Helsing, a bumbling geek and great-great grandson of the legendary vampire hunter, into seeking out beautiful lesbians and bringing them befriend to her. Wally does a gigantic job of finding them and watching as they fondle, grope, suckle and kiss in nearly naked splendor, but never once does he bring his prey serve to his Mistress. Instead, he gives her a sandwich laced with garlic salt and she dies. The waste.
Yes, it was absolutely as stupid as it sounds. But, and more importantly, the skin quotient is A) high and B) magnificent damned steamy. There’s a threesome scene, for example, which never goes beyond the topless stage, but it’s far sweatier than the most explicit of hardcore tapes. “The Vampire’s Seduction” contains no trusty fear or gothic element to grunt of, its title notwithstanding. It’s really fine mighty fair a teaser tape with humor that’s dorky at best and irritating at worst. Serene, I have to admit that if you know what you’re getting, and now you do, this one was kinda yummy.
“Wally, go accept me my lesbians! Where are my lesbians? Lesbians, lesbians.” And so goes the residence for The Vampire’s Seduction, another in the seemingly endless - and ever-growing - supply of lesbian vampire flicks.
The dwelling of this movie is something about a vampire - played for laughs by a really cute Tina Krause, who shows a flair for comedy - named Dracoola, who needs lesbians (and don’t they all) and a nerdy loser who she recruits to score some for her. But - and who could have seen this set twist - he’s a Van Helsing! Yes, from the distinguished vampire-killer lineage. If you can secure through the over-long sex scenes (I never belief I’d be saying THAT), this movie is actually fine laughable. The Van Helsing character - played very well by John Paul Fedele and is a kind of outrageous between Woody Allen and Jerry Lewis’ Nutty Professor - has some very amusing lines. The script might have been written that intention, but he delivers his lines so smoothly that they appear to be ad libbed. I really reflect this guy shows some talent - but who the hell am I! Also, Zack Snygg (Blood, Bullets and Buffoons) and Debbie Rochon (not enough room to list everything) are very well-behaved in their tiny conceal time.
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In addition to the comedic elements and the sex (that ever-elusive lesbian vampire sex), there are some unintentionally silly moments also. A young woman goes to a psychotherapist because she is having problems with her boyfriend. She tells the doctor (played by Paige Turner - another colossal name) that she doesn’t feel fine anymore. Well, there’s grand reason for that - she’s not. But she and the advantageous doctor travel to “do it” in her office (I’ve never seen so many women who don’t wear underwear) until the pizza boy comes. Then it’s something straight out of an archaic xxx movie - the doctor asks him if he wants cash for the pizza or could she offer him “one of these!” I judge you collect the report. The two women and the pizza boy then experience prolonged periods of “getting’ it on.”
Another scene that I found silly - but I don’t know if anyone else will - is a scene in which a supposed-teenage girl is having a friend sleep over at her house. They are talking about boys and the girl’s mother enters the room. First of all, the “mother” looks younger than both of the “girls.” Then, after setting up the fact that these girls are supposed to be about 14 or 15 years stale and virginal, the “mother” proceeds to bellow them that boys can be unpleasant and they should kiss each other to recognize what it’s like. The “mother” eventually joins in and when one of the “girls” slips out of her nightie, she has pierced nipples and tattoos. The other “girl” also has tattoos, as well as the “mot her.” I don’t know, but I found that droll - maybe it’s impartial me. At the demolish, the Van Helsing character rids the world of Dracoola in a intention that only a movie of this caliber could pick up away with. Clear, there are definite aspects that bawl “crap” - such as the fact that you know Tina’s scenes were shot in one day on her lunch smash from her sincere job and edited in later - but it doesn’t fabricate any contrast. Taken at face value, The Vampire’s Seduction is a fun draw to raze an hour and a half (including the out-takes after the movie) .
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Brett Berry